okay and then THE NEXT FOUR ARE SUCH PERFECTION I LOVE IT. 100 letters is PERFECT AND ON, "i said 'it's too late'" vs "now that it's just too late" and "'cause i have spent too many nights on dirty bathroom floors" and "i almost gave you everything" vs "had me in the palm of your hand", you're hurt and sad and angry but also you've come too far to turn around, you haven't made it through to the other side yet but you're getting there, slowly but surely, you're going to get there even if you're bleeding and crawling, and then SOMEBODY BETTER IS LITERALLY P E R F E C T, "i guess i'll learn to be somebody better"; i'm not there yet, but i will get there, i'll learn and grow; and the beginnings of the ability to be tender towards the other person without sacrificing the progress you've made "after all that's said and done you can be somebody better", and "and how did we make such a mess" and god "i won't get burned to stay here forever" is JUST THE PERFECT LINE FOR THIS, the temptation the desire to stay here forever is still there but you can see it clear, and you're come far enough to be sure that you won't let yourself get burned, it's not worth it, you won't do it, AND THEN DROWNING, "i'm the one who had to learn to build a heart made of armor" is SUCH a taylor line especially as a meta statement about 1989, both re: the transition period in how taylor approaches relationships and ALSO re: taylor leading up to reputation, gahhhhh, and then ENDING WITH SAME OLD LOVE, GOD, PERFECT, ABSOLUTELY PERFECT, YOU LEFT IN PEACE LEFT ME IN PIECES TOO HARD TO BREATHE I'M ON MY KNEES RIGHT NOW, GOD, and "i'm not one to forget" SO FUCKING PERFECT, and "so don't you try and change your mind, 'cause i won't be changing too" and "you can't take back what you said" IT'S!! "YOU ENDED IT, YOU WERE ALL I WANTED, BUT NOT LIKE THIS" god 'not like this' is the absolute core of the song for me because godddd looking at the image of everything you want and saying "this isn't right, this isn't how i wanted it, i can't accept it" is the hardest bravest thing and you walk away and godddddd. and then the transition from "i don't believe it" to "you can't believe it" is SUCH A TAYLOR TYPE LYRICAL WORDPLAY THING SO IT'S PERFECT the perfect bookend for it god. fuck i meant to say this part earlier, probably around 100 letters or somebody better, but like, my thing about AYHTDWS is that it's this necessary precursor to Clean, in the album's narrative progression, because you're nowhere near clean yet but it's the moment where taylor (in the album) decides no, not like this, and puts herself in the position to one day - not today, not tomorrow, not for a long time - but to one day be able to reach clean. to take that first step. god and the song itself, it's the high pitched frantic chorus of "stay! stay! stay!" all around you and cutting through it to say "no, not like this" and stand still among the desperate anxious whirlwind screaming otherwise with every heartbeat. someday i will get there. these are your first steps. wow i can't believe i'm quoting star wars now but OFC I AM TAYLORRRR alright i'm getting wildly away from the point so imma stop now but god. oh hey it looks like this was a shorter essay. still an essay though, whoops. anyway amazing.

so yeah. the varying, vacillating element is so well reflected in the song choices and i love it. IDGAF and the best days, when you wake up and say you're over it and you really actually mean it, and you're righteous and pissed and it's not tampered by your sadness and pain, you can see them for what they did and who they are (or at least, the version of who they are that you need to see them as to move forward, you can't move to forgiveness before you've been truly and rightfully pissed), and i love how many songs you chose with a "too late" lyric or motif because it's Key. then right now is SO GOOD, it's more quiet and vulnerable but still just as firm in its conviction: "you left me searching for a reason" and "the more i think about it now, the less i know", and "did you think it would be easy" vs "could have been easy", and "left me in the dust" // "i've been picking up the pieces of the mess you made". and then LEAVE ME LONELY what a good. "as much as i want you to stay" because you do, you really do, all you want is to let go of your stupid self respect and say yes and have them back but you Can't, not for a moment, and "i'd rather you leave, leave me lonely, even though it hurts" bc it's so brave even though you don't feel brave at all right now, cutting off a limb to save the rest of you. and then you're such a and goodbye back to back are beautiful, the kiss off and sass and righteousness and middle fingers coming back around again, "you had your chance and you blew it", you're furious on behalf of the girl you are on the days you're too sad to be furious for yourself, and i think i gotta move to the next comment

UGH THIS IS SO GOOD. okay so first off it's earlier in the day than i usually listen so i'm less caffeinated so this may be a shorter comment than usual but if so it's not a reflection of the mix. then again I SAY IT'S GONNA BE SHORTER EVERY TIME AND YET so who really knows. SO. what i love about this mix is how much it reflects the kind of fluctuating, ambivalent nature of the stage of a relationship/breakup AYHTDWS is about; how there are days when you wake up feeling confident and sassy and kiss off-y and 'bitch, bye' and there are days when you wake up bitter and angry and more hurt than you want to admit you still are, and then there are days when you're so desperate and pining that you're /almost/ reaching for the phone, almost ready to say yes to trying again, almost ready to forgive everything to get them back, because it's the only thing you want in the world and it's only your self-respect holding you back, and it doesn't feel empowered, it doesn't feel like you're an independent woman who don't need no man or woman or whatever, it feels like stuffing a sock in your mouth when you're in pain from how desperately you need to breathe but you know the air will poison you, it feels like walking home alone with torn and bloody feet but refusing to take off your heels, it's not glamorous or badass or sassy it's like breathing shattered glass but it's holding on to your blazing self-respect when it's the only thing you have. wow AYHTDWS really is the 1989 version of I Almost Do i don't know why i've never thought about that it's so obvious. um okay i just wrote an essay without even talking about the songs on the mix okay next comment

This is so damn good omfg.