Lonely? Middle-aged? Rich enough to buy the world several times over, and yet still somehow incapable of buying the one thing you really want: the love of the woman you've desired for decades? Look no further than this helpful guide! Includes such helpful advice as: how to stage a kidnapping and make it look like a coincidence; how to outsass a fourteen-year-old; and a list of reputable pet shops (for when you finally give up and get a cat).

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